the soundtrack of your life
by s n u c k
Summary: when kyou's life starts to fall down, who could help pick him up? [ shounen-ai - character death - self mutilation - major kyou angst ]
1. track: o n e

Alrighty, here's a wonderful angsty Kyou/shounen-ai Furuba fic! Wheee!

Poor Kyou-Kun, he's all depressed. It's not fair I know. And things will only get worse for our little kitty cat from here on. But there will be some people to pull him out of the gutter, eventually. Eventually. Major Kyou angst is fun!

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing

**Warnings:** Chapter Rating - PG-13. Major Kyou angst in this chapter, and language

**Pairings:** To be decided.

**Song Selection:** Billy Talent - River Below

( xxxx )

**Chapter one:** river below

_/rejected since day one  
my name is, Bastard Son/  
_

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Always so fucking stupid.

That may be the definition of the cat, but I've never let it get to me. Not for a while at least. But I think it finally might have. I've finally gotten sick of the constant rejection, the mockery, the hatred. I think it was bound to happen eventually. I was eventually going to give up my stupid feud against Yuki, accept my loss. It's just a shame I was too stupid to realize it earlier, and maybe waste my time some other way. Of course, I'm always wasting my time, one way or another, or wasting something precious. For an example, hot water. And my clothes.

I stood in the shower, still entirely clothed, boiling hot water pouring down on my shaking body. My head was rested against the shower tile, directly under the hot stream coming from the showerhead. I could care less about the temperature; my mind was too busy wandering. It was only when Tohru called for me, obviously worried, that I was dragged unwillingly back into reality.

I nearly jumped out of my **soaked** pants. My clothes were welded to my flesh like a second skin, nearly transparent and extremely hard to move in. I stumbled, falling backwards and knocking Tohru's shaving razor off of the shelf, leaving a huge gash on the back of my hand. Tohru wasn't usually the type to leave her things out. Maybe it was some sort of omen?

I pulled my hand back to my body, reflexively, at the sting and shock of the sharp metal tearing through flesh. I brought the hand up to my eyes, looking the bleeding wound over with morbid fascination. It hurt. But I liked to see myself bleed. I cautiously picked the razor blade off of the floor, where a slight puddle of blood had formed, and brought it to my wrist. I had heard of other kids at my school cutting themselves like this, they were usually depressed or strange. I think I qualified for both.

With one quick movement, there was another bleeding cut on my wrist identical to the one on the back of my hand. I laughed to myself, sliding down the tiled side of the shower._ If Yuki saw this he'd think I'd sunk to a new level of pathetic. I have._

I sat in the shower for a little while longer, careful not to get the blood onto my clothes or Tohru would question. Fuck, she'd already question, my clothes were soaked. What could I tell her, that my room started to rain? That would be beyond dumb. To in-dumbity and beyond!

Reminder to self: Never make up words again.

After a few minutes I managed to bandage my wrist and my hand (I didn't exactly want anyone to see) and make my way back into my room. I simply tossed my soaked clothes on the floor, not giving a **rat's ass** at this point, and slipped on some khakis and a long-sleeved, zip-up sweater. I headed downstairs after that, expecting Tohru to come over to me and wonder why I had taken so long. It must have been over an hour or so since I fell into the shower. Really, I fell.

Tohru and Yuki were sitting in the dining room, chatting about casual things. School, friends and whatever else popped into their minds. Yuki didn't even acknowledge my presence as I trudged by the door, but Tohru gave me her usual smile and a little 'Hello, Kyou-kun.' I half wondered where Shigure was, but remembered that he was usually cooped up in his study, writing or whatever. Not that I cared at Shigure at all.

I kept walking, until eventually coming to the door and going outside. The night was glimmering with stars, and the moon was sending an eerie shadow down onto my sanctuary; the roof.

I quickly made my way onto the place I spent most of my time. I don't even know why. I guess cats like high places. Once onto the slanted platform, the usual feeling of shingles on my back, I pulled back the arm of my sweater to look at the bandages. I took off the bandages to get a look at my handiwork from earlier. Only then did I realize how shallow the cuts were. Guess I'm not much of a cutter. Ah, well, it's not that big of a deal. That was a one time thing.

**Right?**

_/contraption  
made of bones  
nuts and bolts  
creates them  
**you monster**  
brought your family tree down  
tick tocking  
times up now  
split second  
though it fell  
lonely hearts  
**never had nobody**/_


	2. track: t w o

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing

**Warnings:** Chapter Rating – PG-13

**Pairings:** To be decided

**Song Selection:** What you waiting for? – Gwen Stefani

**( xxxx )**

**Chapter Two: What You Waiting For? **

_/Like a cat in heat stuck in a moving car   
Scary conversations,   
Shut my eyes, can't find the brake   
What if they say that you're a cutter? /_

Remember two months ago, when I had said 'one time thing'. Well, I had thought wrong. I was still cutting. The inside of my wrist looked like I had run my arm through a paper shredder. I hated myself.

But nobody knew that. People thought I had just become more mature. I rarely fought with Yuki, I was always quiet. I think Yuki suspected something, but Tohru didn't even notice. She was happy that I wasn't fighting with Yuki.

Now, Shigure on the other hand kept giving me these weird looks. Like maybe I was insane or something. Well, I finally figured out why he was doing all that. He confronted me one day, when Tohru was off at work and I didn't know where the hell Yuki had gone.

"Kyou," Shigure said simply, sitting down beside me. I was outside, lying on the porch like I usually did. He crossed his legs and kept staring at me.

Stop staring; I'm not some side-show freak.

"What?" I said, an agitated edge in my voice.

"Something's different about you," said Shigure, "You don't fight. You don't complain about anything. Is something wrong?"

"No."

Yes.

"Are you sure that something isn't wrong?"

"No, nothing is wrong."

Yes, everything is wrong.

"You're sure? Because if anything is ever wrong, you could always tell me," he said, gripping my shoulder in a friendly matter. I sighed.

"I know," I said simply. He gave a little smile before retreating back into his study, like he usually did. I lay there for a few more minutes, before deciding that I should've picked Tohru up. I pushed myself off of the porch and headed off down the path.

(xxxxx)

"Kyou!"

That cheerful voice scratched like nails on a chalkboard through the ever-present silence. The girl known as Tohru bounced up to me, her cheerful self, but I think I brought down her little spike of happiness with my scowl.

"I-is something wrong?" said Tohru.

"Nothing," I replied, "C'mon, let's go. It's getting cold outside."

"Oh, alright," said Tohru, skipping ahead of me.

We walked in silence. I didn't feel like talking that night. I kept my mind back in the short conversation that Shigure and I had. '_Because if anything is ever wrong, you could always tell me,' _is what he said. Maybe I should tell him.

Would he think less of me, because I'm taking the easy way out?

Before I knew it, we were back at Shigure's house. Tohru jumped right inside, and I heard Yuki's voice. I followed her inside, my mood bringing down the happy atmosphere. Shigure kept giving me glances, and Yuki was the next to confront me.

People really must fucking want to bother me today.

I had accidentally pushed him while making my way to the stairs. He pushed me back. He seemed so anxious to fight me ever since I had stopped fighting him. Maybe I was just his entertainment?

I just kept walking. Yuki pushed me again, harder, made me fall. I got up and kept walking.

"Fight back, you stupid cat," he snarled. I just kept walking. "You're so pathetic. Why don't you fight anymore? Finally figured you couldn't win!?"

"Yes."

I kept walking.

(xxxxx)

The rooftop, the place I could brood all alone.

3 am, the time I wouldn't be bothered.

The knife, the plaything.

I brought the sharp object to my inner wrist. Yuki just made me so depressed. I was half the person he was, not even that. I deserved this. I deserved pain.

Mutilated were the words to describe my wrist. The flesh was gashed open, no such thing as a clean cut. It hurt every time I put pressure on any area around it. It was all bruised, because me being as rough as I am.

I cut again.

I bled again.

But it was different this time.

**Someone saw.**

_/Like an echo pedal, you're repeating yourself   
You know it all by heart   
Why are you standing in one place?   
**Born to blossom, bloom to perish**/_


	3. track: t h r e e

**Disclaimer:** I own my slippers and a grumpy pet cat. That's it.

**Warnings:** Chapter Rating – Pg-13-ish

**Pairings:** Some HaruxKyou action in this chapter, more in the next

**Song Selection:** Unwell – Matchbox 20

**(xxxxx)**

**Chapter Three: Unwell**

_/But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell  
I know right now you can't tell  
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see  
A different side of me/_

I made my way into the house, and yawned. I was tired. Partly from blood-loss, partly because it was 3:30am and I hadn't gotten any sleep. Up on the roof I had wrapped my wrists with the same old bandages; at that point, I didn't care if the cuts got infected and I died. No one would miss me.

I went in through the patio door that Yuki and I had busted so many times with our now pointless-seeming fights. I wasn't exactly prepared for what I was met with.

Haru.

"What the hell are you doing here…?" I asked, slightly astounded that Haru was now standing in front of me, tossing me this glare that had a close second in scariness with Akito's. We just stood there, staring at each other until he spoke.

"You're a cutter." He said that like it was the most normal thing in the world. I was utterly surprised he cared at all. I decided to avoid the subject.

"Why are you here so early in the morning?" I walked to the doorway he was standing at and tried to push my way pass. Maybe I could tear upstairs and lock my door and not let him in, so he'd shut up and leave me alone. He pushed me against the doorframe, locking me in with either of his arms by planting them firmly on the wall.

Okay, maybe not.

I glanced up to Haru's eyes, analyzing, trying to figure out what to say. But there, I saw that maniacal glimmer, that willing to do something outrageous.

Oh.

Black Haru.

What would have provoked him into that, maybe my avoiding the situation? And what the hell is he doing here this early? "You idiot… you probably got lost and that's why you're here so late…" I muttered under my breath. Haru moved his arms to grip my shoulders and slammed me against the wall. I winced.

"Shut up," he hissed, glaring daggers at me. I had to look away from his eyes. I don't even know why I did… but his eyes just scared me.

"Don't tell anyone about this, Haru," I said, trying to keep my voice from shaking. I wasn't afraid of him, but more or less the consequences if he told everyone about my depression. Tohru would worry about me, Yuki would probably just laugh. I don't want people to worry. They have more valuable things to think about than me.

"Why should I?" snarled the cow, slamming me against the wall once again. If he would've slammed me against the wall again, Shigure or someone would've probably woken up. I didn't want that.

"Please… what do you want me to do?" I muttered out. Haru contemplated this for a minute, before a wicked smile crossed his features.

All I knew is that I didn't like that smile.

_/I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired  
I know, right now **you don't care **  
But soon enough you're gonna think of me  
And how I used to be/_

A/N: Now, the reason this chapter is so short is I wanted to make it open for decisions. What the hell is Haru thinking? I have several options for this, which are slightly humorous, and I have one which would just make Kyou seem more pathetic to himself, and one which would solve problems faster.

-Haru says he'll shut up if Kyou sleeps with him

-Haru says he'll shut up if Kyou helps him get Yuki (o.O)

-Haru says he'll shut up if Kyou stops cutting

Okay, and there are several pairings I could take in here. If option one is chosen, I could get a HaruxKyou. Number two, HaruxKyouxYuki. But I really really really want a ShigurexKyou, so I could always make up another option later. Oh well.

Ja.


	4. track: f o u r

**Disclaimer: **I finally own the box-set of DVDs, but that's it.

**Warnings: **Chapter Rating is R for petting, mentions of semi-consensual sex (semi?), language and yaoi-lime

**Pairings:** HaruxKyou for this chapter.

**Notes: **I'm still deciding on which pairing to make this fic, but it probably will turn out a HaruxKyou the way I'm going. If it does, I promise I'll write a ShigurexKyou for all of you later. Because I really really really like that pairing, and it's underdone. Sorry for taking forever to update. I'm too tired to write a lemon, so you get a wonderful little lime.

**Song Selection:** All That I've Got - The Used

**( xxxxx )**

**Chapter Four: **All that I've got

_/I need something else  
Would someone please just give me  
Hit me, knock me out  
And let me go back to sleep  
I can laugh  
All I want inside I still am empty  
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I../_

Haru leaned in closed, grin still in place, and whispered his twisted little wish into my ear. I made a sound between a scoff and a gasp. Oh, so now he wanted me to be suicidal **and** his little whore?

"No fucking way," I stated, trying to sound as forceful as possible. Maybe he would… leave me alone?

"Well, unless you want me to tell everybody else your pathetic little secret, you have to play by my rules," Black Haru said, sounding rather calm. Did I ever tell you that his Black side really pissed me off?

"God I hate you," I muttered, slumping over in defeat. I didn't want to, hell, I wasn't even gay. And having Haru live out his fucked up sexual fantasies with me was only a slightly unnerving thought.

"I know. But I can live with that," he muttered, letting go of one of my shoulders and sliding his knee between my legs to keep me from escaping. With his free hand, he grabbed my chin and kissed me. He. Kissed. Me.

I, by reflex, tried to struggle away, push him, anything to get him off of me. There were about a hundred things wrong with this situation. It just occurred to me that this would make a good Hollywood scandal. 'Cousin fucks suicidal boy in exchange for silence.'

I was quite preoccupied with his tongue probing my mouth, that I didn't notice that the one cold hand that had once been on my shoulder was now sliding up under my shirt and moving against my flesh. I involuntarily shivered.

His other hand had moved to grab one of my wrists, and he brought my arm over my head to have better access to my body. I tried struggling again, and succeeded in getting my lips away from his.

"Don't…" I muttered, trying to sound forceful, but failing miserably. He rammed my wrist against the doorframe, and I had to suppress a scream. That **hurt. **With my wrists all mutilated, any pressure whatsoever made it feel like I was dying.

"Shut your fucking mouth, and take me up to your bedroom," growled the ox, "I know you aren't completely against this…" The hand that had been against my skin now ghosted across the crotch of my pants where a half-formed arousal lie under the material.

The bedroom seemed like a pretty bad idea. Hell, that all seemed like a bad idea. But, a bedroom was where normal people made love. But then again, since when was 'making love' to your cousin normal? Define 'normal'. And I don't think I could call this 'making love'. It was more like… savage fucking.

Well, I eventually did as Haru told me to. Took the bastard up to my room and let him fuck me into the floor. I really didn't care. I just sort of lay there. It would be funny if Yuki heard. He'd probably laugh at me. Hell, he laughs at me anyway.

Haru left right after he was done with me, probably to calm down, turn back into White. I, however, could barely move. I started to laugh. It was nearly 6:15 AM, my normal waking time. I was still laughing 15 minutes later. Hysteria was funny. This was all funny. I don't even know why.

_/I guess, I remember every glance you shot me  
__Unharmed, I'm losing weight and some body heat  
__I squeeze so hard  
__I stopped your heart from beating  
__So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me, I../_

(xxxxx)

An hour later, I was still lying there, sore and paralyzed, but my laughter had died down. Now it was time for the self-loathing to take action. And it did. I really wanted something sharp. But then I remembered I couldn't move. I tried to lift up my foot, and hallelujah, it worked after about 15 minutes of trying. After another five minutes, I got the other one up with it.

I knew I wanted a shower. I also knew I needed to wash my sheets.

Tohru was already up, I deduced, as I could hear her making breakfast downstairs. Yuki was probably just getting himself out of his damn bed. Or willing himself to. Shigure, I could care less about. I was just happy that Haru was gone.

I went and took my shower quickly. On my way out, I didn't even glance at the mirror. I always avoided the stupid things. They just made me feel more depressed about myself. I got dressed (long sleeves of course), and then hid my sheets in my dresser. I'd deal with them later.

I made my way downstairs and Tohru was just setting the table. "Good morn- Ah, Kyou-kun. You… you don't look so good. Are you alright?" said Tohru, giving me her worried look. I shrugged and sat down at the table. No pity-party for me, thank you.

The morning passed relatively silent, with the occasional question from Tohru or prod from Yuki. He was still trying to get me to fight with him. Why doesn't everybody just get on with their own lives and leave me alone?

(xxxxx)

We finally got to school. I took my spot in the back of the classroom, near the window. Now it was time to think. Did Haru remember any of it? Probably some of it. Ugh, damnit. I couldn't concentrate on school. What if I saw him at school. I don't think I could even look at him.

All these thoughts were spiraling out of control in my head, bouncing against my skull and ricocheting against my brain. My head doth wanna go splodey.

Well, maybe eventually I'll be able to sort out my thoughts.

"Sohma Kyou! Pay attention!"

Shit.

Pay attention Kyou, pay attention Kyou.

Nah. I'd rather not.

Hey, sensei. You try paying attention after you've just been fucked by your MALE cousin. Bite me.

(xxxxx)

"Kyou, are you okay? You've sort of been ignoring everybody all day."

Oh, now the stupid rabbit had to follow me home and interrogate me. He was coming over to see Tohru, but I had hung behind the little pair of Yuki and her. Momiji had stayed behind with me, much to my chagrin.

"I've just had a lot on my mind," I muttered, looking the other way. It looked like it might rain. I sure hoped not.

"Yeah, I guess," said Momiji, crossing his arms behind him and staring at his shoes as he walked beside me. We didn't talk. I was glad. He wasn't trying to pry or anything like everybody else had done.

It did start to rain. But thankfully, it was just after Momiji and I had gotten into the house. It tired me out, possibly more than I already was. I was tired. So tired. Tired of everything.

I hid up in my room.

Now… where was my knife…?

_/I'll be just fine  
__Pretending I'm not  
__I'm far from lonely  
__And it's all that I've got/_

Tah-fucking-dah. XD

Next chapter is GO. I went with the first option, just because. I don't even know why. It just seemed the best way.

Thank you for all the reviews. I really appreciate them. They've helped so much. n.n Thank you so much everybody. I love you all! -tackle glomps everybody-

Um, while I wrote this I was listening to **Static-X's I'm With Stupid **so if it seems a little odd, I blame that song. XP

Sorry for taking forever to update. I lost my inspiration and then gained it again, and then my fucking computer broke down and I lost the file that I had saved it on and then had to type it again. BLAH.

I'm so lazy.

Next up: Encounter with Haru at school.

xoxo - Snuck

PS. I have this weird idea that could make this turn out HatorixKyou. That would be odd. o.O


End file.
